Something New, Something Blue, Something Time Can Hold Until...

    Written By: Deanna Marie Battista

 I do think time has questioned its candor in being benevolent. Not quite old yet. Never borrowed. This turning of fate. The way the pathway has cleared. Walking with my guardian angel on one side with God on the other. Fading into the distance and all of my written words with it. The new tether and scars to my heart. I’ll either be presented to you, or you will find me in the middle of settled comfort and contentment that rages on. But this pressing and resculpting of your heart and mine. The one you just started to recognize. And mine yet again, it’s a reflection of my most loved self. The part of me that God put back together. This heart of mine that he made whole. In the bible it says it is “he who finds a wife”(proverbs 18:22), not the other way around. Throughout the in-between, the corner of bliss, healing just to turn around and feel pain again. This new lovesick haze has taken over my pen completely. I don’t remember the last time I wrote this much about a season of hardship. Throughout the course of my blogs, endless diary entries, and even leading me to writing a new book that took me by surprise these past few months; this new variation to who I am becoming once more. Another new level unlocked in the kaleidoscope of unwavering faith and boundless love to give. This way of blue that has taken my heart and mind by storm. I’m letting go to hold on tight, then in the next breath, I hold on again to everything I feel like I’m losing instead; but haven’t even seen yet. Just when I close my eyes at night and sleep with the angels that come to visit me in my dreams. I’m learning. You see, when you find me, I think it might just hurt. Maybe even you worse (than me). I think the prick of the conscious and the spiritual warfare you will have to face will make you more than just stumble and fall. That’s why I’ve been praying for you each passing day. From morning to night, and every chance I get within the heavier parts of my day. I’m praying for your strength. I’m praying for your bravery, your courage. Even your weaknesses, I pray they lessen. I pray you don’t trip over your heart like I do with mine. I pray for your spirit and faith; even if you are just starting to believe in the light at the end of the tunnel from the way your heart bleeds. Mine does too. But love like this changes you. It’s already changed me. He set me free. But I need you to know, the ways of the Lord are ever close. It’s not “love” that will catch you off guard. It’s God. Because God is love. 

The faith in just believing in what leap to take is how it will start. I speak from experience and then some. For my own spiritual warfare, the enemy fought God tooth and nail for, to win. When it’s something blessed by God, written by heaven; it’s fated and biblical. The enemy doesn’t want that to go unchecked. Unmarked. The enemy didn’t want me to ever become this whole. I belong to heaven now. I wonder for the days and nights that have become a tip toe on the balance beam in this life to walk. The way holding onto hope has me doubting even the words I know I was meant to type. To illuminate my gift with, allowing; through me, the sky to talk.

  I wonder what being made for you now could do. I wonder if all these letters I’ve penned will amuse you. Once after the waterfall of my tears cease. Once then I can crumble up these pieces of paper that have replaced the tissues I dry my sadness with. I wonder what else will happen once the clearing of blue skies from your heart to mine echoes on. I wonder if it will wash away your pride. I’m praying for you. I’m praying that this brink that is becoming clearer and more blurry at the same time each week that passes through me; it will treat you more kindly. I pray in the ways God is telling me to just be…I’ll soon be able to and settle into the symphony of my pain. The ways he will use them and set more stars in the sky of my eyes for you to see and claim. The way "my moonlight won’t have to set" within my emptiness, or your sunlight won’t have to hemorrhage within questionable fulfillment. I’ve never been this hollow without grief. This new "variation that is sweeping me off my feet." 

Just when I feel an anchoring within destiny, something peculiar happens. A knock from the opposition of Christ comes around the ways I’ve been drowning in. I pray for you. I pray that you will let me help God complete you. Yes, I know. This never ending parade of fairytaled dreams I’m in, it’s not growing old. I fear it never will. But I know everything has a greater meaning and purpose that we can’t see. 

I’m here. 

And I’ll wait for you… Like I always have in all my virtuous preserved years. The lily of the valley I am for only you to hold and no one else. For only you to see. For only you to witness bare. I won’t falter, not even with my tears. I’ll surrender to the dream of you, but even if it breaks my heart and tries to tear my faith apart… Then I’ll settle for the ghost of you. 

Yours Truly, 

             Deanna Marie 

                                 Always Writing with Light