A Little Peek Into My New Book

Written By: Deanna Marie Battista

I’ve been called to offer much pain and suffering through many blogs and especially books I’ve written. But this eclipse of time I have found myself in, God has called on me to offer to you; the utmost vulnerable parts of my healed and blue self. 

I’ve never done this before. But I’m giving you a few pages from my upcoming unreleased work in progress. This book that I am hopeful to release this November. The rough draft of it, I just finished on the 4th of July!

So here it is! The first ‘chapter’ in my book I’m writing for my future husband to find, before he finds me… If he hasn’t already…  (Title will be announced soon)  

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 I prayed for you today. I prayed again for the moment that will change everything for you and I. The precise minute that I can hold onto forever, of time that will change the rest of what it will look like after our worlds collide. I’m learning to surrender though. I’m trusting in the mosaic of the Lord’s grace. Beautifully unbroken is how I reflect now. It’s been a long while, finally now in bloom all the seeds that Jesus grew throughout Tiny’s whole life. The questioning however, the daunting realizations of waking up and sleeping alongside the pain; always with no escape. This is a different variation to peace and bliss once again. It’s like ice water, but once it hits your heart you are forever cold all over. But at the same time my mind and soul have never been warmer. So grounded within faith. I’m growing closer to my Father in heaven each passing day. Though I do admit these little pebbles and stones I am tripping over, my love story incomplete. It’s my own heart I think that keeps wanting to sweep me off my feet. Every glance, every time I walk by. I think inside my heart of hearts, the same one God put back together. The same weight as the moon’s it is now. Is this him? Is this the one? Is this the man that I will spend the rest of my life with? What else will I become once I finally get to meet him?

It’s become another new unlocked level of, oh no here she goes… She’s faltering in the bliss and starlight she’s finally settled within. I’m not sure what happened within the time of my tomorrow. The promises of God have flourished throughout my everything. Every part of my being. Every stroke of my pen, it’s interlaced with heaven and him. It’s killing me in a different way I’ve never felt before. I feel my heart quickening at the sound of any knock on every door.

I’m not sure what I don’t know. I don’t understand what I can’t seem to find. It’s brutal, the honesty that has been begging from the windowsill of light, to once again come and visit me at night. Another walk around the bend, of a blue moon checking on the girl that twice again, uses her paper and sticky notes to wipe away the tears of her lover’s ghost. The one who only exists inside my head. Within the deepest part of my imagination. For the girl that God healed and set new into this writer for the slew of angels above. For the one I’ve never met yet burns its embered brand inside my hands to love. It’s something else to unlock discipleship and want to set forth in foundation the adoration you feel for the son of God. So with memoirs still being printed, more I’m writing, children’s books galore and Sweetpea knocking on a fairytale awaited door; now I’m here, in this path set forth for me. I’m here and I’m still waiting for more of my story. With a veil covering my hair, awaiting the time the clock strikes twelve for the girl God loves that truly hasn’t gone anywhere… but even still, is starting to fade. 

I’m saddened by the anomaly of emotion. This peel back of the orange type of feeling has conveyed. This hue of blue is starting to feel like anything else than a gift. It’s starting to feel like the formation of imploring sin. Of another falter that those in the shadows I can’t see anymore are cheering on after. To push and shove the one I’m not yet worthy of away. Can’t heaven hear the sound of what my sorrow can convey? My moonlight is starting to set like the sun does of this effervescent question mark drawn kiss. 

I wonder who it is, he, that I even miss. 

Is this the bigger story of the girl who thought her faith was bigger than it was? Is this first part of the book what I should shelter all of you away from? I’m not sure how to mend this variation of unbrokenness. I’m healed. I’m set new. No longer stone, this heart of mine beats more than what I can even hold, let alone try to convince time of what needs to be sewn. 

  How can you miss someone you don’t even know exists? 

This is a new level of a faith testing distance, what’s unseen, unheard, and unknown.

Heaven sent tears and a blueberry heartache preserved kind of bliss. This is what now my fairy-less fairytale entails… Until my Father above says, “Here child, this is for you, who I was always going to (all these years) unveil to you.” 

I was made to love. Awaiting the time for me to step into being the moon of his life. I guess now until then, a sleeping beauty is what God is calling on me to unprune and remain; until the title of another new name I’ll be given to glisten. To bask in the glory of being his. Jesus and my husband’s. 

This twist of the butterknife I crave I’m not meant to grieve and still stay without it just yet. The parts of my sky that bloom within the sadness of my eyes. Getting lost on the way to your heart and mine. I still believe in fairytales, nevertheless, how can I not? If not just for the ones I pen, then this hopeful romantic that I am and can’t let go of always and never when. The mirror of my soul is the heart that God helped me heal enough to open more instead of close, to spread wings of grace and scars to wipe away for heaven’s sake. I’m learning to flourish within my calling. This silhouette of a brokenly beautiful and whimsical pathway to unleash. The way that the guiding light of wanting to love for the first time has me truly breaking down at the knees. I want to pour all my love into the other half I’m waiting to tie myself together with. I don’t want to heed the warnings from the darkness in the shadows of “no prince will come to save (love) you yet.” I want to pray to keep, and try to learn how to un-yearn the love story my heart can and cannot yet steep in. The dreams that I keep for a selfless tomorrow. I want to hold onto the tethering of my soul, these memories that we will make together stronger than bone. I’m trying so hard to keep my sensitivity in check. To let go and let God, it’s easier said. 

When will I be able to carry on the heaven sent perfume of love that I am always dreaming of?

With angels falling by your side, in this grief stricken haze, I’m afraid will take us both under; leaving me unable to climb. If I don’t learn to forget what I can’t even remember. 

The sound of rain knocking on the windowpane of my soulmate’s unbroken yet chains. What level unlocked will I find him in? Will he be in the midst of the beautifully broken? Will it be me that helps him know the Lord? Will it be him that pulls me closer to God’s side, and away from the ways of the material worldly horde? When? How? I’m still waiting. Trying my hardest not to suffer from the unformed memories I want to make already so I can surrender. How under the outline of another loveless November? 

Teach me Father, all that I can convey. Teach me through the pruning and trimmings of unheavenly decay. 

With all that I’ve become… 

Is he the one? Oh no, I’m doing it again, picking up the parts of my mind that you told me to let go of, unwind, and let you hold to cure in due time. 

This is a true bitterness Father, it’s not sweet. This kind of hurt that matches every rhythm of my tenderized unloved by romance heartbeat. Please Father lead me once more away from the dark, not through a season of yet again another broken heart. Lead me to my future self, the young woman we both will stand back and be proud of. 

Lead me to the man that will help uphold your plan, the one that will help inspire my future story of truer love. The one that will kiss every wrinkle and line. The one that is the one Father, I do pray to see in the reflection of weddings bands, a union of three to be forever mine. Lead me to my heart’s dreams, of the man I will marry, the one once united; our covenant through us both, your light will beam. Oh until church bells gleam. Carry me Father… I beg of you, please. 

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So… within this season of fairytales, more writing than I ever have before; and the ways of my heart beating for the angels on the moon’s answered prayers. For the girl that was in the deepest slumber and needed to be awoken by a kiss from the Lord. I’m ready. I’m right here, with this heart too big for such a sensitive girl. The princess in the tower I won’t be for long, I can feel the shift within the enemy’s song. God’s winning, not just over this soul he made new. But for the one that I am meant to... 

Not just to behold and love, but for the one I am meant to bring with me through this quest of holiness and peace we’ll only find together from above.

 I’m curious about this one that is the one. I pray he’ll be able to handle the inescapable blur of blue. But more so, I pray he will be able to hold the moon. 

I’m not questioning. Not searching. Just waiting. Full circle lesson indeed. For the girl that desperately wants to be rescued from her bubble shaped tower. By my own raging heart that won’t skip a beat. Not even by the remorse of unlocked keys. These doors that have always been open for me to leave. Just not alone. I’m healed. But I’m stronger than I’ve ever been… 

                     Waiting for him.