Resurrecting The Livelihood of Holiness

Written By: Deanna Marie Battista

Through the vast amount of hurt and pain that has transcended the past several months of my life; I wanted to share the trials I’ve been struggling through. Yet at the very core of these struggles, the multitude of blessings sprinkled throughout all of them.  

God, through it all, has really been showing himself to me, giving and granting me peace. Within my faith, so many things have occurred. I have grown so close to Christ, but I have also felt this space between him and I. It’s one of the most intriguing things to have happened through the work sphere of my continuously publishing books of my own testimonies of the many accounts to him healing me. It’s not a space I created, it’s the spiritual warfare within the distraction away from the routine that is one of the most important balances to keep. The time management of going through heartache, and receiving blessings all the while; but not continuing to build the stronger infrastructure that Satan can’t breach. It’s not a one time idea or notion once you put on and wear the armor of Christ, you are invincible. Your faith can be, but the soul is still within the vessel that is beautifully captive in this world we forget to call a splintered paradise. Putting God first is the most important gift you can grant over your life. I would every now and then through the last six months notice this space if you will, but I always brushed it aside and wouldn’t allow myself the time to think twice about it. Maybe because I just felt with all the works that God is holding my hand and helping me to create, I just didn’t have an extra minute out of the day to reflect the stagnant way I had started to, without meaning or intention, grow closer within. I don’t think this is what happens when just the noise of this world gets in the way- I think this is a prime example for the greater argument when the righteous are seen by those that oppose. Specifically, the threat that it can mean for the found.

I’ve been so busy doing God’s work, that I would forget to sit down for just five minutes and articulate my worship and praise; which I do in a vast amount of ways- but drawing closer to him to me is reading my bible. I think it’s something to contemplate. Nothing has warranted the space that God and I have been fighting together. I can finally see this now. A whisper of the adoration and grace I held prior to my confirmation I would “miss.” Now isn’t that the silliest of notions, being that I am the same girl? That I am the same within every caliber yet I just know more? It’s interesting but most conversations about the children of God and how faith can be tested can be. I think tragedy has inspired this. I had a family member who was sick in the hospital all last month and just seeing the fear, and the ailment; and how sick and scared other family was for this person- yet being able to hear God throughout the entirety of that journey in the very beginning when no one knew what was going to happen. I prayed for the first time in a hospital chapel. It’s definitely not something I ever strived for; yet it’s something beautiful I can cross off of an un-yearned for bucket list :) I really felt the true beauty of God’s healing. I really got to bear witness what can happen when you see someone who was so close to not being here, be completely healed and have life breathed back into them. Even though I’ve both seen and experienced this for myself, it was different this time. It’s just been such a gift. The strength and grace throughout this was even more gifts than I have even experienced without my own journey throughout my life of healing. I have never felt so grounded and cured from fear by God like I was when I almost lost my loved one; yet God heard my prayers for him to stay. He has sent me gifts since the entirety of my faith journey, which is endlessly continuing. I have turned my life into an echo and a mirror for Jesus Christ. I find it so human, that we can rearrange our priorities and not have at the forefront the things that we should never neglect. Reading a bible verse here or a few passages there is what I started getting into the habit of. God calls me to discipleship to further be a person that can build and grow the staircase to heaven. But he still wants me as a student just as much as he wants me as a teacher. This is something I will never stray away from again. There has been this turn of the coin within my own health, which is usually the only brick wall that gets me to ever slow down. It’s, I think, a part of the bigger structure and blueprint of God rejuvenating my soul. The emotional tax and stress that has culminated to bring me to this flare is held on one hand, and everything going on in the world with the other. I’ve felt such heartache, but I feel especially within my faith; reawakening. I tell God everyday “use me.” I tell God, “hold my hand steady and don’t let go”, everyday. I want to be a mustard seed in the bigger picture of this world, to bring others out of darkness and into the light to see Jesus. That is the biggest yearn, want, and promise that me and God have with one another. That is the biggest prayer that he could ever answer to me, aside from making me a wife and a mother one day. It’s interesting, because I’ve always prioritized making God the forefront of everything that I do. Yet sometimes certain important parts within the gear system that make up a holy person, can get lost in the translation of time this world can warp away. Faith and prayer regimens should never take a back seat, something I have recently before last week had fallen victim too. I have so many amazing things that God has helped me to create and to nurture. In the same way God is nurturing and tending to my soul. And I have not done the same. I’ve done that within my works, but I have to do that with the exact same vigor as for my faith. Some people that know me would probably even question- “Deanna what are you talking about? You are always reading your bible, talking about God, and going to church”- why that may be true, it’s deeper than that. My faith has been shaken throughout the midst of chaos, but never altered. I have felt such peace through loss and exhaustion from stress. I’ve felt that God has awakened something within me through the open woundedness I’ve become within vulnerability. Pushing me to be more brave, pruning my time for every second to mean something, using my voice, and giving me stronger armor to wear. This has moved me, the lead up and the clap of thunder from heaven that implores my soul to move quicker within the mission Jesus has for me. 

Using even more of my gift, writing. Every time I turned around through such unknown and such unease, I saw the fingerprint of God surrounding me. Even in the midst of such ugliness, God has held my hand tighter, even without meaning to sometimes, I’ve let go. Not because I don’t love God enough. Not because I don’t use my gifts God gave me enough. I think it’s for the greater purpose within this notion that when dealing with so many things like others hurting, or my own health & pain. This became a tool that the devil utilized to make me stumble, even just with one foot. I don’t question God, I thank him. When I can’t get out of bed because of my swollen joints, I thank him. It’s not silly, believe me when I say. Pain is a gift, because it anchors the soul truly. It is a blessing to be anchored in the world and the life that I was given. To be able to feel. Not to be numb, or unfeeling. But to feel even with pain is a gift. That can be very hard. I’ve suffered through this chronic illness since I was a baby, it’s all I’ve known, minus that start of penning Ice Cream Sunday, those who’ve read my first book would know. Through the inner and outer workings of Jesus weaving his way through details in my life and how he uses me currently; it’s this never ending revolving humility that I chose not to lose. I chose not to. It’s not the time to falter, it’s not the time to lose that importance of devotion. We all have this need for striving to sainthood. We have to always structure our faith to be better. To always steep in the words of God. 

I thought through the entirety of the last five years (to quote myself), “you know I made it. Even if I suffer and I have flare ups, I have my channel, my blog, and my books; I made it. I can be a vessel for God and he can use me, I can open my bible, pray, and everything will be okay.” The fight for souls to follow which path in the fork within which road is the greatest battle here on earth. Though, I want to draw a comparison, the hardest thing sometimes in this world is to get up every morning, go to work, for your family, your household, and your livelihood. That can be the most underappreciated battle that people in the beautiful sector of the every day working American hero does. I haven’t been tested in a long time, but never like this before. It is a never ending force to keep; to wake up every single day as a Catholic, go to sleep every single day as a Catholic in this echo chamber of the modern ideal first world. Of course I keep the steadfast hold to heaven. Because this is how my heart needs to beat, in this way. Because of my love for my Father. My lungs need the kind of oxygen with my faith infused within it. It is the livelihood of holiness, I’m fighting to resurrect and never lose again. This world can tear us down and apart, it can break us down, and shatter our hearts- but God!

God will use every part of your mind, body, heart, and soul to move more than just mountains. To move people that hate us. So they are taught even in the smallest believed percentile; that we love them anyway. 

         Become both a student and teacher of Jesus Christ, just like me!

Yours Truly, 

                Deanna Marie 

                             Always Writing with Light