The Paradigm of a Heart So Blue

Written By: Deanna Marie Battista

The perfume of sadness that has attached itself to every part of me. It's truly poetry. Walking in the short distance of time. The ribbons and my tears that form bridges for you to cross one day. The pangs of heartache. Yet pain being melded into purpose I know is a gift. The way the question mark is teetering on its last shift. No more molding into the ways of each passing day. No more apparitions of my worst fears. Being alone in this solitude magnified bubble of becoming more warm and still cold. Doubt isn’t something that comes from heaven. It was never written. But questioning fate, when it’s off course. That has become a reflective mirror that my eyes don’t want to look through.  

The compass was created before the clock ever was. So if not tripping over the minutes and hands, time doesn’t want to hold on to my soul with- Then it’s the direction of my steps being led by Christ that will mute out anything else. Bleeding more of my heart into books that I was called upon to write. I’m here. I’m focused. Stronger than I’ve ever been. Becoming more redefined in my pattern of how I was made to love without any spin. No more lost in being found. No more question marks will I draw upon myself. Not for the days I have ahead or the ones that left a mark on my skin for some unknown reason. God has been sending me signs right, left and center. It’s been an immaculate notion to have befriended the Lord himself. To not just call him Father or refer to him as the one who helps me wipe away my fears. But the one who catches the parts of my heart that were meant to be given to you. The fairytale of destiny has poured the foundation all around me. Going through this detached world, with a heart like my own; makes me feel like a walking love letter. The parts of my spirit that will forever roan. The hues of blue that will forever pigment the pages in my diary, or the heart of my pen. I’m trying to keep the faith. Not tie down my sorrow within the reasonings the Lord has asked me continuously to wait. For the weeping willow that will flow happily within the wind. 

Let it be blue. Let us become as reflective as the mirror the skies above set forth to send. Just as the angels in heaven look down on us with prayers and tears in their eyes at the love story that Jesus has written for us this time. From one author to another, the teardrop from his heart that fell upon mine. Interlaced with starlight in ink I'll find. That’s when I knew. The brink that we are both about to fall within this world will have to embrace for us to choose. The gates that will echo blessings and signs like nothing else ever has before. The sound of this knock on the door is one that we won’t be able to ignore. So with days upon days of praying more than I ever have in my life. The ways my dreams keep my heart awake with the windowsill of heaven peeking from the blues my soul aches. I’m ready. I’m still waiting. But not for the tornado or countless storms that will never end. This new awakening to bliss. I’m here. But for the first time I’m truly brave. Ready to fight to love for the first time as the Great Lion sends more pieces of a love story that has yet to unfold my way. 

So with a tiger winking at me from around the corner. With a statue heaven gave to me with more gold to wrap around my sight. With the sunlight and moonlight both breaking through the distance of trees that smile its way to me. More picnic tables holding onto the promise of what the Lord knows my soul yearns. 

I wasn’t just made to love. I was made for this now. This new beginning that the Lord has inspired. Through the days turning into more and more ways to poetically fall in love with the potential of what moonlight guarded by angels can do. 

Even cupid himself has been shooting me with anything but arrows now. Instead, more and more of my own words from the diary pages of my soul and wanting to hold onto the promise of happily ever after. To be happy. To love him evermore. But to set aside everything like never before. It’s the after I truly need. 

The home to build. Not just a life. The love that the foundation of our hands held together will be preserved in. Not just contentment. But the butterflies that will both be steadied and fly crazily around your presence. To build. Just as the Lord built me back together. He knows. Jesus. I’ve been branded by these dreams. The reverence I’ll keep for the bliss that will pour and set. When our children run through the field of baby’s breath flowers and asks us to see “Mommy and Daddy’s fairytale”, I’ll pull out that old cologne box of Papa’s, the one I almost drowned in. I’ll pull pictures from the corners of both our souls, and heaven’s. I’ll show them the union where Christ was centered. But I’ll also shown them where our love will be set to grow forever. Home. No empty promise. No amount spent on the blur without sentiment. Just home. Even if it’s just dirt for acres, a few wooden beams with the price of lumbar these days. Even if it’s just half of one yard that holds the white picket fence of what I’ve been carrying in my heart to hold one day. It’s not ordinary. It’s on the contrary. To fall in love with the sentimental gifts and peace God can give you. One day, blue skies will wrap around us like a hug. This blue heart of mine will no longer have to be carried delicately. The fairy I’ve become will shed one final cocoon until I’m called wife to you. 

It’s not some evil villain that will thwart this union. It’s not some enemy in the form of temptation like the serpent in the garden. It’s not a battle that will unfold within a field either. Just both of our hearts that will mangle with the quest Jesus set forth in front of us for each other. We’ll fight against it, at first maybe. But not for long. It’s not time, fate or destiny getting it wrong. It’s faith. The leap we will both have to take. The promise of home we will both mirror to one another. The trust the stars have in the night sky we’ll be able to offer to the other. We will learn. Not even the apple will be poisonous. This fairytale will garner more of ourselves than not. What we will heal from walking the same path God brought us both too. I’m not sure who you are yet. But here I am. Still waiting. Still praying. Still writing. Always in the hallways heaven leads me too. I’m not sure when, how, or who. But I’m here. I’m laughing through all of the rain. Because I know one day home won’t be far for either of us to stay. Oh how it hurts wonderfully to feel this deeply. Tripping over my pen, heart and heaven’s just the same. Until the day it’s your own that will make me fall. Not a maybe, not a “is this him?”, no. Just a steady lead by God himself, pull that I can’t ignore, no different than how you won’t. The scorch to my soul of a flame we’ll both ignite for other angels to see by. I know one day you’ll feel it too. I’m here. The princess in the tower I’ve always been. Witnessing fairytales, writing so many more. But doing my best to surrender with blueberries in my hands and a crescent map that Jesus is writing the pathways towards. So no more questioning. No more wondering. No more falling to my own mind wandering. No more what if’s. No more hurting to wait. Not while I sit here with a smile on my face. The Lord pulls apart and cures distance to steady the mind and stir of the soul. I wonder about the parts of my everything I can’t see, a little wounded. But this will lift once we're close again. Or maybe for the first time. My heart can take, but it chooses to give more. I’m not losing my way. I’m finding it once again.

This pain, it’s with a purpose. These prayers are being answered. In the silence. In the distance. In the ways where nothing seems like anything is changing. My heavy heart isn’t going to break. It’s being rebuilt for you. For the ways my pen will communicate love like only heaven can do. I know what God is creating. No more running, just steady. I trust the Lord. My heart can be deceiving. But these scars of everything I’ve survived and haven’t yet will implore. For you… To take a chance on the girl so blue, her heart is something you won’t be able to look away from. But if you do for a time, then it’s your soul that will make you not want to. 

Yours Truly, 

                Deanna Marie 

                              Always Writing with Light